it's 5:52 am. I'm currently laying in bed thinking about boys... and weed. Honestly more weed than boys simply because if i had a spliff right now i would easily be asleep and boys would be a distant memory. Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if I was straight. I remember being younger and being infatuated with the beauty of a woman. The issue was I was using my infatuation as a way to cover up my denial. Eventually I knew if I chose to be straight I was fulfilling a prophecy of self loathing that society (and my father) would of so graciously accepted. I couldn't deny attraction but i wasn't authentically into females. It doesn't mean one day I couldn't marry a woman as long as she understands I will be fucking our pool boy. Regardless if we have a pool or not. I'll never forget the day I finally came out to myself. I was in the car leaving my high school graduation. The moment it was over I couldn't have gotten out of there faster. Besides saying goodbye to one of my best friend at the time and introducing my parents to Usher (yes Usher was at my graduation which is another story for another day lol), I was out of their quicker than the caps could fall. While in the backseat of my parents car I realized in high school I fell in love with a girl named Alex. I thought of the day we spent at her house in bumbafuck Queens while her parents were away. How we ran around dancing to Sublime and eating homemade cookies. How she let me take her top off in the attic while we watched Stardust under a sea of hundred of pillows. Then I thought of the times I would lie to her and sneak off to see some man I met off of Grindr. At that moment i realized I put her through too so much shit and she deserved way better than me. Even through I knew I had to let her go the further we drove away the more it hit me that she was going to be the only thing I actually miss. It was one thing to be a faggot but being a shitty person is completely different. That realization broke my fucking heart. I started balling my eyes out in that backseat and my parents extremely confused drove us silently to Red Lobster.
I think about this day a lot because for me it was my transition from the closet to a world of Kesha, glitter and a lot of crop tops.